Check out my new blog at: brokeandfabinla.blogspot.com

We All Need Hobbies

I have a friend who likes to collect those silly little knickknacks you see in those quaint little bookstores. She has them on shelves in her apartment and always adds new figures to her collection at every special occasion.

I have another friend who likes to knit. The last time I saw her she was making a scarf for yet another friend. She has a collection of random, colorful yarns.

My hobby?
That's right - it's dating. I have a nice collection of little stories from my years of dating all the wrong men. I know they're the wrong men because I'm obviously no longer dating them. *smile*

As I returned home tonight after an interesting meeting I realized that I'm bored. While focusing on my career and trying to find work, I've let my dating options dry up. I have seriously neglected one of my favorite hobbies.

Now before you judge, consider the art of hobbies. Some people like to drink, some people like to collect objects, some people like to hike or follow some other activity. I like to date because it gives you the chance to meet someone new, go out for a night and have some decent conversation. You might not find the man or woman of your dreams, but there is a chance you'll at least find a friend out of the deal. At the least you've spent a few hours of your life chatting with someone new and if that's all it leads to, you get to cross that person off your list in your quest for a life mate.

Dating was once my hobby and then I had the crazy idea that I might want to settle down, so I forgot how fun dating can be. Oh, don't get me wrong, I also know that dating can be a pain in the ass depending on how difficult and awkward that date might become. The greatest part about this hobby... well, you get to choose when the hobby starts and stops. If the date is that bad you can always "phone a friend" and escape. (We've all done it!)

So while I've neglected my hobby, I'm planning on reviving it soon. Dating, after all, is the ultimate hobby.

Screw Meatloaf, I Need It All

Two out of three might not be bad for Meatloaf and his version of love, but that isn't going to work for me.
And wanting, needing, loving? Come on! I'm not even there yet. I'm still working on the right man at the right time.

This is how it works in my life. I find the right man - someone I actually have feelings for and the timing is off. He's not ready. I'm moving to another state. My life is too busy. His life is too busy. There is too much drama (trust me, this is a timing issue).

So the timing sucks every time I find what could be the right man.

This isn't even mentioning how difficult it is to find the right man. So what if the timing is right. So what if he's there when you need him, not there when you don't and for once your life is in order. Who fucking cares, if you don't actually have feelings for this man. You can date him for the next year and you still wouldn't care if he just stopped showing up one night. You might notice if he disappeared for a few weeks, but when it comes down to hard facts - he is not the right man, no matter how convenient the timing!

That is where I find myself. I find the right man at the wrong time and the wrong men at the right time.

One out of two just won't work in real life! I suppose, if I really had to step back and think about this situation like an adult, I might admit that if the right man doesn't come at the right time than he really isn't the right man.

I know there are movies like "Serendipity" and "When Harry Met Sally" that would disagree with me. These movies promote the theory that if you find the right person and the timing is wrong you just have to wait for a few years until the timing is right.

Movies lie.

And I can't, you can't, we can't, wait around for the right man to figure out whether it is the right time. We both have better things to do and when the right man comes along at the right time it will be amazing and wonderful and you'll forget about all those other "right men" who happened along at the wrong time.

I'd Rather Be Alone

I spent the majority of my day working in an office just off the beach - it's a beautiful office, but in some cruel twist of irony there is no beach view, just views of a cement wall. After working on some mind melting analytics I decided that it was about time I took a walk on the beach.

So I grabbed my keys and my cell and I headed towards the ocean. I stopped just short of the water and just stood there for a few minutes absorbing how amazingly beautiful it was. As I was standing there I had a brief conversation with a friend about some recent frustration in my life. You see, I want what I cannot have. But this time it is not simply because I can't have it - it's because for once I have a rational reason to want this. Yes, I speak in riddles on this subject.

While I am standing by the ocean, watching the sun set and waves crash on the sand I suddenly knew that I wanted someone to be there to enjoy that view with me. I wanted someone who wouldn't talk, who wouldn't even touch me, but someone who would just stand there and take it all in. Someone who understood how beautiful and relaxing that scene really was to me. My mind went through the possibilities - the men I've had in my life previously and the men who come and go now.

It's true.

I would rather stand on that beach alone, enjoy the sunset and the water alone, than be with the wrong man. I would rather go through life alone than spend time with someone I don't like or love. I would, however, like to eventually find that person... preferably with as little heartbreak as possible.

The $200 Dinner

This week I had a "friend" in town visiting. Now we all know how awkward occasions can sometimes arise out of these situations. Well, to be fair, this friend was a little more than a friend over Christmas and that's why he thought it would continue as such almost four months later. Unfortunately the poor man never took the time to figure out how amazingly fickle I can be about men. In that four months I had been dating and developed and then lost at least three different crushes. I have always been a little fickle when it comes to men... something about not wanting to be trapped.

So, this friend took me out for a lovely dinner, after eight nights spent on the couch and not in my bed. He also took the time to mention me as his friend in his Facebook status - something I took note of and thought was for the best. However, he continued to do such things as hold my hand and presume to try and make out with me. I must say I am rather confused on this point, but really my troubles with men this week have led me to believe that despite the dozens of men I've dated, I really know nothing about them after all.

Okay, that's not entirely true... I do know this friend decided that I should automatically be in love with him even though the past four months had shown a decreasing attachment via cell phone. Every phone conversation got shorter the longer this friend kept talking about himself and interrupting my brief responses with yet more of his endearing tales...

Even though this man is a wonderful man and he tried his best to impress me, the one thing he never did was actually ask me what I wanted. He simply moved forward with his plans and disregarded my thoughts on the whole situation.

And this is why some women sound like complete bitches. Men go to these extreme lengths to impress us but they never consider what is really, truly important. Fancy dinners mean nothing if you don't like the style of food. Flowers are useless if you're allergic to them. These things don't matter if the man hasn't taken the time to actually get to know you - to find out what is important to you.

For those men who have been "friend zoned," perhaps you need to review your methods. Are you doing these things for her or for yourself? You've been friend zoned for a reason... maybe if you take the time to figure out why, you'll have a better shot at getting out of that zone.

The Rules of My Game

If you've dated often enough you tend to develop some rules to live by - if you've dated too often you start to share those rules with the person you're dating because you no longer care what they really think.

You also tend to become blunt with those who think they're clever, when they aren't.

A man walks through a crowded parking garage having a stilted conversation with the woman walking next to him. He's visiting her for the week and he's trying to convince her that he's not as annoying as he seems. He leans over and says, "I'm going to leave something behind when I go back home so I have an excuse to come back."

In complete dead pan the woman replies, "Oh, you shouldn't do that. I throw things away when people leave them at my place."

The man then tries to explain where the concept comes from, even though the woman is just as knowledgeable of the Seinfeldian origins. The man finally gives up and says he was just joking.

The woman nods...

And thus you've all learned my first rule.
If you leave things behind without checking, I will tell you about the left behind article once... maybe even twice, if I'm feeling nice and then I willy simply throw it away. This seems bitchy, I know, however if I kept every little thing a man left behind I'd have boxes of old things from men. As it stands now I only have a few lingering gifts and perhaps just a few lingering feelings.

I actually think throwing things away can be very cathartic - it's the act of releasing something that you shouldn't be carrying with you. It's letting go of things you need to be rid of. (Yep, that's totally a metaphor for letting go of bitterness and unhappiness). *smile*

Those are the rules of my game and if you don't like it you can take your ball and go home.

Vodka and Confusion

During my wild days in the good ol' STL my wing woman and I would frequently raise our glasses with the toast, "Here's to the men we love and here's to the men that love us, but the men we love aren't the men who love us, so fuck the men, let's drink to us!"

Little did I know that three years later I would still be using that toast...

Despite the fact that I have a few options for men, I find that those options open to me aren't what I want. I don't want a man I find boring and I don't want a self absorbed man and I don't want a man who plays games and I definitely don't want a man who is old enough to be my father.

I'm picky, I know - we all should be picky though. We shouldn't settle for just any guy, we should all stop and take a minute to decide where we'll draw our lines. It doesn't mean these lines can't be bent or stretched at times, but there should at least be lines - to determine what you will and will not put up with. There should be lines to keep you from getting hurt and to keep you from wasting your time. Lines are there so you have some guidelines when you date and you know when you've found a keeper versus when you need to let it go.

So what do I want? Well, right now I want the man who intrigues me - the man who does sweet things for me, but is oddly distant. I want the man who one day wants to spend time with me and the next day buries himself into his work and is all business - but who still delivers beautiful, thoughtful work specifically for me. I want the man that I can talk to for hours, who is sometimes in his own little world, and who doesn't always know what's going on, but who is still intelligent. I want the man can't decide what kind of pet to get, so he has a variety. I don't know if this is THE man for me, but right now, at this point in my life, that is what interests me.

The problem? Yep... the men we love aren't the men who love us...

Sometimes this happens and while I know, we all know, this just means the man/time/place is not for us - it's not right and there is nothing to do but move on. And it is all so much easier to say than do.

So here's to making bad decisions and wanting what you can't have - here's to "fuck the men" and drinking to us!

Catching Up

I was reminded today that it has been way too long since I updated this blog. Part of the reason has to do with my recent change in employment and part of it is because I've been so busy giving advice outside of the computer realm. Over the past two weeks I have had two friends get engaged which has played host to multiple problems. Oh, and then there is my own problem with temporarily forgetting how to talk to members of the opposite sex. Okay, okay... excuses aside - let's catch up.


So I get a phone call one morning and after the pleasantries are exchanged, my friend asks, "Can I tell you what's really bothering me?"
He then explains that he hasn't actually proposed to his girlfriend yet, but he has to very soon because the wedding has already been set for August. Apparently he'd been waiting for the perfect opportunity. The perfect opportunity included coordination by several different parties while keeping everything secret from his girlfriend and he was having some problems with that. The first piece of advice he got from me involved the ring - due to a glich in the computer systems he couldn't withdraw the money he needed to pay off the engagement ring. That was simple - get a temporary ring.
The next problem was a bit more complicated - his girlfriend accidentally read an e-mail ruining the surprise and broke down in tears because of it. When emotions are involved it's a lot more complicated to solve the problems. My friend had a lot of pressure to make sure this engagement was perfect and it did end well. I have to wonder though if the communication between him and his now fiance are open enough. If the engagement wasn't perfect in her eyes, would she have said no, or just spent months being angry with him?
Two days later another recently engaged friend called me with concerns about his relationship with his fiance. Apparently his fiance had been hiding a friendship with an ex from him. The only advice I could give was to either ignore it or just to talk to her about it. I'm still waiting to hear what decision he made - though from his silence I fear the worst.
What is the point of this post? Well, to catch up and to always remind you that communication is key in any relationship. If you can't talk to your other, it's never going to work. Trust me. *smile*

Screw Edward Cullen, I Want Lloyd Dobler

I carpooled to work today (see tomorrow's blog) and because it was rather unexpected I didn't plan very well and so found myself at work almost three whole hours before I needed to be here. Even though I always have a large amount of work to do, I couldn't bring myself to start working quite that early, so I played the only movie I had with me - "Say Anything."

If you haven't seen it, go rent it and forget all that crap about vampires and werewolves, the boy in this movie really has it all AND he's human.

The movie stars a very young John Cusack, in one of his first roles, as a boy who falls for the smart girl in school. They've just finished graduating and Cusack's character finally decides to call and ask her out. The rest of the movie Cusack's character jumps hurdle after hurdle just to be with the girl he loves - because he's just a boy in love.

Alright. Alright.
Hollywood movies give us a false view of what real relationships look like, but really, does it have to be that difficult? In the movie Cusack's character follows his very successful love to England where she has earned a fellowship. The woman is successful and can mostly take care of herself and the man follows her, all the while providing support and making sure she doesn't cut her feet on any glass - think about it - he protects her. The greatest part about this is that he protects her in a way that you can't get once you leave high school and start your own life.

I know we're all very busy - we all have out own lives and having a man who merely wants to follow might not be what we all need - but think about how great it would be to have an unselfish, caring man who is there to support your endeavors and to give you what you need without expectations.

Would I like my dating life to be a Hollywood movie? Yes! But none of this Edward Cullen - I'd have to give up everything for him life - give me a Lloyd Dobler any day!

Want to see more of this movie!? Check it out on IMDB - Say Anything

Who's Just Not That Into You?

A few years back there was this groundbreaking new book called, "He's Just Not That Into You," and after reading the first few chapters, I promptly threw the book in the trash. This book seemed to think that all men are alike and that all situations can be solved quite simply by saying that the man really isn't all that into you. I appreciate the attempt to put the responsibility back on men, it doesn't really work that way if the book is marketed towards women.

Last night I had a brief panic attack when my friend texted me with the message, "I'm never dating again," because his reasoning came from "She's Just Not That Into In You." I later learned that this wasn't a not so clever attempt to rework the original book, but merely an article that he'd read. I gave him my standard answer - "I hate that book. It doesn't make sense, because specific situations cannot be solved with general solutions."

He seemed to accept this very reasonable response, but it made me wonder. Why are so many people willing to accept general solutions to their specific problems. I would stand a little taller, with more confidence in my opinion if the book hadn't become sooo ridiculously popular and if they hadn't made a newly released movie about it.

Anyway, I wanted to check out this article... I really did, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I can only assume that it was heart wrenching and horrible!

And I want to be perfectly clear - You simply cannot solve specific problems with general answers.

It's Like Déjà Vu All Over Again

As I start to review my dating history, I realize that basic pattern recognition skills are NOT my strong point.

I totally dated the same man twice and it has taken me months to figure it all out - Okay, it wasn't literally the same man, but it was damn close. Some might call this karma, because I wasn't too attached to the first man and I may have *cough* refused to have sex with him because he was too small *cough* and decided to go wash my truck instead.

Okay, to be fair, the real reason was because I didn't like the man. He was a psychology major, only child, a little pudgy, with dark hair and goatee like facial hair.

I don't think I need to tell you that we didn't last long. It's always difficult to date someone you don't actually like.

Okay, fast forward 3 years - I see this man again, on St. Patty's Day, when I'm so smashed I have no idea what I'm doing. I manage to make a fool of myself and refer to him as "the truck guy" and tell him to stay on his side of the city.

I proceed to go out to my car where I make out with some other guy, who is also drunk. We then go our separate ways and I am no wiser for the incident because...

Fast forward another 3 years and I start dating a red-headed, psychology major, only child, slightly pudgy, with goatee like hair guy.
Yep... it was the same guy all over again, just different time, state and hair color.

I think this may have been karma coming back to bite me in the ass because I wasn't very nice to the first guy, so the second guy wasn't very nice to me.


I'd like to think that I have now learned my lesson, after dating almost exactly the same guy twice. Well... probably not, though I'm positive that I absolutely CANNOT happily date an only child. Only children seem to lack the social skill set that I need to be happy.

So, what lessons can YOU take from this?

Well - For starters, I'd suggest looking at your own dating life- How often have you dated the "same" man in the hopes that the result will be different? Perhaps re-defining your dating agenda and requirements are in order.

And second - Karma is a bitch.

Shameless Promotion Day

So, for this week's shameless promotion day I insist that you go to McDonald's and buy a Happy Meal!!
Hello Kitty has finally hit the big time in whoring itself out - you can now get Hello Kitty watches in McDonald's Happy Meals from now until Feb. 26th. How fun is that?!

I personally have always been a big Hello Kitty fan and I'll be on the hunt for the Choco Kitty watch.

Check out all of the cutsie designs on the McDonald's web site.

Official Gmail Blog: Get your Gmail stickers

Official Gmail Blog: Get your Gmail stickers

Shameless Promotion Day

Today is Shameless Promotion Day because I found (or was told) about some things you need to know about!

The first one is this rather fun little book that is quite a twist from the usual Jane Austen fare.




Check it out on Amazon!

Because really, who doesn't love zombies!


My next shameless promotion will definitely bring a *smile to your face! Just when you didn't think Google could get any cooler, they are now offering FREE stickers! I don't know about you, but I heart stickers! Especially FREE Google stickers!

Check it out!

It's Time I Told You

This should have been the first blog post, but writer's block totally stopped me dead in my tracks. I feel that I must tell the story about my first kiss though. You'll see why this is so important - you'll understand why, from the first date, my parents should have locked me in my room and thrown away the key. I was always called "Trouble" growing up, but it wasn't until I started dating that I really embodied all that was indeed - Trouble.

Let me set the scene for you. It's dark, it's behind a church (*laugh* Yes) and I'm standing there with this guy. We'd made a deal, you see... a deal about sharing a kiss for New Year's and well, it was close enough to New Year's and it didn't really matter that I either was or would soon be dating one of his best friends because at the time neither of us were dating anyone. Although I believe the next day both of us were dating someone or another.

So yes, my first kiss was with some guy behind a church and no, we never dated... but I did date one of his best friends!

This is also statement of rule #1 - You should never date/mess around with two guys who are best friends. It always ends poorly. Unless, of course, one of them gives you permission, but that's another story for a different day.

Why Do We Put Up With This?

Dear Mr. Self-Absorbed,
I'm so happy that you decided to grace my day with your phone call. Yes, I'm so glad you had a great weekend. What's that? Oh, you went out and got drunk with your friends. Yes... I did see that you called and I'm sure I'm very sorry that I missed drunken stories from you.
Oh, so is this what you're doing for the week? Oh, that's nice. Yeah, teachers can be tough to deal with and living at home is such a drag.
Yep, it sucks that you're cold. I'm not cold... oh yes, shoveling sidewalks does get tedious. Oh, and I'm sure knocking down icicles is very dangerous. Well, I'm glad you went inside to get some hot chocolate.
Well I have work to do... No, that wasn't a jab at your unemployment status... No, I wasn't saying that you're a loser for not having a job. Oh, you had an interview... that's great. It went well? Oh, okay. They haven't called you back for a week, well that's a shame.
I really have to go to lunch now... oh, you're eating leftovers for lunch because your Mom didn't make you anything. Oh, well... leftover homemade Thai... yeah, that's quite a trial.
Oh your best friend and you are going out tonight. That's nice. Oh, he's calling now. Well good... Uh... huh. I see.
Well, thanks for asking about my day - I've been having some problems with the DMV and my car and work has been really difficult lately... hello? Hello? Are you still there?

I hate you,
TJ

I Know You Don't Want to Hear This Now

I hate this topic. I am the queen of not wanting to let things go. Ask the first guy I ever fell in love with - it took me years to let go and realize that it just wasn't meant to be. I'll probably never be completely over the one man that I consider to be the love of my life. It's a very sad, ridiculously sappy story for another blog because this blog is all about how to let go. When it is all said and done, letting go is painful, but possible.

I recently started working on an art project that includes those "missed connections" that you see printed in the newspaper or on craigslist. Some of these posts are amazingly romantic - it's just people who want to find that person that makes them feel something. I just wish that life always worked out the way it does in movies - but it doesn't and letting go... well, maybe I can't really talk about that. My Pandora just started playing "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry - the one song that always reminds me of that first Love- when we ran through the rain, laughing - when we carved our initials on the bridge over the river - when we niavely thought we'd be together our entire lives.

I guess there is a difference between letting someone go, because you realize he just isn't right for you and remembering the good times and stubbornly hanging on to something because you want it to be. Now is the time to stop and ask yourself if you're hanging on because you think it'll work, or if you're hanging on because you stubbornly refuse to accept the fact that it's just not meant to be.

The Beginning

So, I've been trying to write this first post for weeks. I do this all the time - you should see my first myspace blog, it's ridiculous. Anyway, I've decided that in order to start this blog, I'll just start this blog. I think it's important to fill in the blanks about my extensive dating history... it gives this blog some credibility, but I'm afraid my crazy life won't allow me to follow any set time line, so the stories will come as they will.

Besides, I have way to much going on in my dating/love life right now to waste time telling you about my first kiss and the first boy I actually dated!

That and I just bought 4 boxes of chocolate filled with wine (hell yes!) and I'm way too excited about those to just blog about some random men. Oh and while you click on that link to look at the chocolates, I bought mine from www.woot.com. The bargain hunters dream site - everyday is a different dealio.

I will get to that though. Oh yes... those stories will come. As will stories involving my dear friends, because everyone needs friends and some great guest blogs!