Screw Meatloaf, I Need It All

Two out of three might not be bad for Meatloaf and his version of love, but that isn't going to work for me.
And wanting, needing, loving? Come on! I'm not even there yet. I'm still working on the right man at the right time.

This is how it works in my life. I find the right man - someone I actually have feelings for and the timing is off. He's not ready. I'm moving to another state. My life is too busy. His life is too busy. There is too much drama (trust me, this is a timing issue).

So the timing sucks every time I find what could be the right man.

This isn't even mentioning how difficult it is to find the right man. So what if the timing is right. So what if he's there when you need him, not there when you don't and for once your life is in order. Who fucking cares, if you don't actually have feelings for this man. You can date him for the next year and you still wouldn't care if he just stopped showing up one night. You might notice if he disappeared for a few weeks, but when it comes down to hard facts - he is not the right man, no matter how convenient the timing!

That is where I find myself. I find the right man at the wrong time and the wrong men at the right time.

One out of two just won't work in real life! I suppose, if I really had to step back and think about this situation like an adult, I might admit that if the right man doesn't come at the right time than he really isn't the right man.

I know there are movies like "Serendipity" and "When Harry Met Sally" that would disagree with me. These movies promote the theory that if you find the right person and the timing is wrong you just have to wait for a few years until the timing is right.

Movies lie.

And I can't, you can't, we can't, wait around for the right man to figure out whether it is the right time. We both have better things to do and when the right man comes along at the right time it will be amazing and wonderful and you'll forget about all those other "right men" who happened along at the wrong time.

I'd Rather Be Alone

I spent the majority of my day working in an office just off the beach - it's a beautiful office, but in some cruel twist of irony there is no beach view, just views of a cement wall. After working on some mind melting analytics I decided that it was about time I took a walk on the beach.

So I grabbed my keys and my cell and I headed towards the ocean. I stopped just short of the water and just stood there for a few minutes absorbing how amazingly beautiful it was. As I was standing there I had a brief conversation with a friend about some recent frustration in my life. You see, I want what I cannot have. But this time it is not simply because I can't have it - it's because for once I have a rational reason to want this. Yes, I speak in riddles on this subject.

While I am standing by the ocean, watching the sun set and waves crash on the sand I suddenly knew that I wanted someone to be there to enjoy that view with me. I wanted someone who wouldn't talk, who wouldn't even touch me, but someone who would just stand there and take it all in. Someone who understood how beautiful and relaxing that scene really was to me. My mind went through the possibilities - the men I've had in my life previously and the men who come and go now.

It's true.

I would rather stand on that beach alone, enjoy the sunset and the water alone, than be with the wrong man. I would rather go through life alone than spend time with someone I don't like or love. I would, however, like to eventually find that person... preferably with as little heartbreak as possible.

The $200 Dinner

This week I had a "friend" in town visiting. Now we all know how awkward occasions can sometimes arise out of these situations. Well, to be fair, this friend was a little more than a friend over Christmas and that's why he thought it would continue as such almost four months later. Unfortunately the poor man never took the time to figure out how amazingly fickle I can be about men. In that four months I had been dating and developed and then lost at least three different crushes. I have always been a little fickle when it comes to men... something about not wanting to be trapped.

So, this friend took me out for a lovely dinner, after eight nights spent on the couch and not in my bed. He also took the time to mention me as his friend in his Facebook status - something I took note of and thought was for the best. However, he continued to do such things as hold my hand and presume to try and make out with me. I must say I am rather confused on this point, but really my troubles with men this week have led me to believe that despite the dozens of men I've dated, I really know nothing about them after all.

Okay, that's not entirely true... I do know this friend decided that I should automatically be in love with him even though the past four months had shown a decreasing attachment via cell phone. Every phone conversation got shorter the longer this friend kept talking about himself and interrupting my brief responses with yet more of his endearing tales...

Even though this man is a wonderful man and he tried his best to impress me, the one thing he never did was actually ask me what I wanted. He simply moved forward with his plans and disregarded my thoughts on the whole situation.

And this is why some women sound like complete bitches. Men go to these extreme lengths to impress us but they never consider what is really, truly important. Fancy dinners mean nothing if you don't like the style of food. Flowers are useless if you're allergic to them. These things don't matter if the man hasn't taken the time to actually get to know you - to find out what is important to you.

For those men who have been "friend zoned," perhaps you need to review your methods. Are you doing these things for her or for yourself? You've been friend zoned for a reason... maybe if you take the time to figure out why, you'll have a better shot at getting out of that zone.

Vodka and Confusion

During my wild days in the good ol' STL my wing woman and I would frequently raise our glasses with the toast, "Here's to the men we love and here's to the men that love us, but the men we love aren't the men who love us, so fuck the men, let's drink to us!"

Little did I know that three years later I would still be using that toast...

Despite the fact that I have a few options for men, I find that those options open to me aren't what I want. I don't want a man I find boring and I don't want a self absorbed man and I don't want a man who plays games and I definitely don't want a man who is old enough to be my father.

I'm picky, I know - we all should be picky though. We shouldn't settle for just any guy, we should all stop and take a minute to decide where we'll draw our lines. It doesn't mean these lines can't be bent or stretched at times, but there should at least be lines - to determine what you will and will not put up with. There should be lines to keep you from getting hurt and to keep you from wasting your time. Lines are there so you have some guidelines when you date and you know when you've found a keeper versus when you need to let it go.

So what do I want? Well, right now I want the man who intrigues me - the man who does sweet things for me, but is oddly distant. I want the man who one day wants to spend time with me and the next day buries himself into his work and is all business - but who still delivers beautiful, thoughtful work specifically for me. I want the man that I can talk to for hours, who is sometimes in his own little world, and who doesn't always know what's going on, but who is still intelligent. I want the man can't decide what kind of pet to get, so he has a variety. I don't know if this is THE man for me, but right now, at this point in my life, that is what interests me.

The problem? Yep... the men we love aren't the men who love us...

Sometimes this happens and while I know, we all know, this just means the man/time/place is not for us - it's not right and there is nothing to do but move on. And it is all so much easier to say than do.

So here's to making bad decisions and wanting what you can't have - here's to "fuck the men" and drinking to us!

Catching Up

I was reminded today that it has been way too long since I updated this blog. Part of the reason has to do with my recent change in employment and part of it is because I've been so busy giving advice outside of the computer realm. Over the past two weeks I have had two friends get engaged which has played host to multiple problems. Oh, and then there is my own problem with temporarily forgetting how to talk to members of the opposite sex. Okay, okay... excuses aside - let's catch up.


So I get a phone call one morning and after the pleasantries are exchanged, my friend asks, "Can I tell you what's really bothering me?"
He then explains that he hasn't actually proposed to his girlfriend yet, but he has to very soon because the wedding has already been set for August. Apparently he'd been waiting for the perfect opportunity. The perfect opportunity included coordination by several different parties while keeping everything secret from his girlfriend and he was having some problems with that. The first piece of advice he got from me involved the ring - due to a glich in the computer systems he couldn't withdraw the money he needed to pay off the engagement ring. That was simple - get a temporary ring.
The next problem was a bit more complicated - his girlfriend accidentally read an e-mail ruining the surprise and broke down in tears because of it. When emotions are involved it's a lot more complicated to solve the problems. My friend had a lot of pressure to make sure this engagement was perfect and it did end well. I have to wonder though if the communication between him and his now fiance are open enough. If the engagement wasn't perfect in her eyes, would she have said no, or just spent months being angry with him?
Two days later another recently engaged friend called me with concerns about his relationship with his fiance. Apparently his fiance had been hiding a friendship with an ex from him. The only advice I could give was to either ignore it or just to talk to her about it. I'm still waiting to hear what decision he made - though from his silence I fear the worst.
What is the point of this post? Well, to catch up and to always remind you that communication is key in any relationship. If you can't talk to your other, it's never going to work. Trust me. *smile*

Who's Just Not That Into You?

A few years back there was this groundbreaking new book called, "He's Just Not That Into You," and after reading the first few chapters, I promptly threw the book in the trash. This book seemed to think that all men are alike and that all situations can be solved quite simply by saying that the man really isn't all that into you. I appreciate the attempt to put the responsibility back on men, it doesn't really work that way if the book is marketed towards women.

Last night I had a brief panic attack when my friend texted me with the message, "I'm never dating again," because his reasoning came from "She's Just Not That Into In You." I later learned that this wasn't a not so clever attempt to rework the original book, but merely an article that he'd read. I gave him my standard answer - "I hate that book. It doesn't make sense, because specific situations cannot be solved with general solutions."

He seemed to accept this very reasonable response, but it made me wonder. Why are so many people willing to accept general solutions to their specific problems. I would stand a little taller, with more confidence in my opinion if the book hadn't become sooo ridiculously popular and if they hadn't made a newly released movie about it.

Anyway, I wanted to check out this article... I really did, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I can only assume that it was heart wrenching and horrible!

And I want to be perfectly clear - You simply cannot solve specific problems with general answers.

It's Like Déjà Vu All Over Again

As I start to review my dating history, I realize that basic pattern recognition skills are NOT my strong point.

I totally dated the same man twice and it has taken me months to figure it all out - Okay, it wasn't literally the same man, but it was damn close. Some might call this karma, because I wasn't too attached to the first man and I may have *cough* refused to have sex with him because he was too small *cough* and decided to go wash my truck instead.

Okay, to be fair, the real reason was because I didn't like the man. He was a psychology major, only child, a little pudgy, with dark hair and goatee like facial hair.

I don't think I need to tell you that we didn't last long. It's always difficult to date someone you don't actually like.

Okay, fast forward 3 years - I see this man again, on St. Patty's Day, when I'm so smashed I have no idea what I'm doing. I manage to make a fool of myself and refer to him as "the truck guy" and tell him to stay on his side of the city.

I proceed to go out to my car where I make out with some other guy, who is also drunk. We then go our separate ways and I am no wiser for the incident because...

Fast forward another 3 years and I start dating a red-headed, psychology major, only child, slightly pudgy, with goatee like hair guy.
Yep... it was the same guy all over again, just different time, state and hair color.

I think this may have been karma coming back to bite me in the ass because I wasn't very nice to the first guy, so the second guy wasn't very nice to me.


I'd like to think that I have now learned my lesson, after dating almost exactly the same guy twice. Well... probably not, though I'm positive that I absolutely CANNOT happily date an only child. Only children seem to lack the social skill set that I need to be happy.

So, what lessons can YOU take from this?

Well - For starters, I'd suggest looking at your own dating life- How often have you dated the "same" man in the hopes that the result will be different? Perhaps re-defining your dating agenda and requirements are in order.

And second - Karma is a bitch.