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We All Need Hobbies

I have a friend who likes to collect those silly little knickknacks you see in those quaint little bookstores. She has them on shelves in her apartment and always adds new figures to her collection at every special occasion.

I have another friend who likes to knit. The last time I saw her she was making a scarf for yet another friend. She has a collection of random, colorful yarns.

My hobby?
That's right - it's dating. I have a nice collection of little stories from my years of dating all the wrong men. I know they're the wrong men because I'm obviously no longer dating them. *smile*

As I returned home tonight after an interesting meeting I realized that I'm bored. While focusing on my career and trying to find work, I've let my dating options dry up. I have seriously neglected one of my favorite hobbies.

Now before you judge, consider the art of hobbies. Some people like to drink, some people like to collect objects, some people like to hike or follow some other activity. I like to date because it gives you the chance to meet someone new, go out for a night and have some decent conversation. You might not find the man or woman of your dreams, but there is a chance you'll at least find a friend out of the deal. At the least you've spent a few hours of your life chatting with someone new and if that's all it leads to, you get to cross that person off your list in your quest for a life mate.

Dating was once my hobby and then I had the crazy idea that I might want to settle down, so I forgot how fun dating can be. Oh, don't get me wrong, I also know that dating can be a pain in the ass depending on how difficult and awkward that date might become. The greatest part about this hobby... well, you get to choose when the hobby starts and stops. If the date is that bad you can always "phone a friend" and escape. (We've all done it!)

So while I've neglected my hobby, I'm planning on reviving it soon. Dating, after all, is the ultimate hobby.

Screw Meatloaf, I Need It All

Two out of three might not be bad for Meatloaf and his version of love, but that isn't going to work for me.
And wanting, needing, loving? Come on! I'm not even there yet. I'm still working on the right man at the right time.

This is how it works in my life. I find the right man - someone I actually have feelings for and the timing is off. He's not ready. I'm moving to another state. My life is too busy. His life is too busy. There is too much drama (trust me, this is a timing issue).

So the timing sucks every time I find what could be the right man.

This isn't even mentioning how difficult it is to find the right man. So what if the timing is right. So what if he's there when you need him, not there when you don't and for once your life is in order. Who fucking cares, if you don't actually have feelings for this man. You can date him for the next year and you still wouldn't care if he just stopped showing up one night. You might notice if he disappeared for a few weeks, but when it comes down to hard facts - he is not the right man, no matter how convenient the timing!

That is where I find myself. I find the right man at the wrong time and the wrong men at the right time.

One out of two just won't work in real life! I suppose, if I really had to step back and think about this situation like an adult, I might admit that if the right man doesn't come at the right time than he really isn't the right man.

I know there are movies like "Serendipity" and "When Harry Met Sally" that would disagree with me. These movies promote the theory that if you find the right person and the timing is wrong you just have to wait for a few years until the timing is right.

Movies lie.

And I can't, you can't, we can't, wait around for the right man to figure out whether it is the right time. We both have better things to do and when the right man comes along at the right time it will be amazing and wonderful and you'll forget about all those other "right men" who happened along at the wrong time.

I'd Rather Be Alone

I spent the majority of my day working in an office just off the beach - it's a beautiful office, but in some cruel twist of irony there is no beach view, just views of a cement wall. After working on some mind melting analytics I decided that it was about time I took a walk on the beach.

So I grabbed my keys and my cell and I headed towards the ocean. I stopped just short of the water and just stood there for a few minutes absorbing how amazingly beautiful it was. As I was standing there I had a brief conversation with a friend about some recent frustration in my life. You see, I want what I cannot have. But this time it is not simply because I can't have it - it's because for once I have a rational reason to want this. Yes, I speak in riddles on this subject.

While I am standing by the ocean, watching the sun set and waves crash on the sand I suddenly knew that I wanted someone to be there to enjoy that view with me. I wanted someone who wouldn't talk, who wouldn't even touch me, but someone who would just stand there and take it all in. Someone who understood how beautiful and relaxing that scene really was to me. My mind went through the possibilities - the men I've had in my life previously and the men who come and go now.

It's true.

I would rather stand on that beach alone, enjoy the sunset and the water alone, than be with the wrong man. I would rather go through life alone than spend time with someone I don't like or love. I would, however, like to eventually find that person... preferably with as little heartbreak as possible.

The $200 Dinner

This week I had a "friend" in town visiting. Now we all know how awkward occasions can sometimes arise out of these situations. Well, to be fair, this friend was a little more than a friend over Christmas and that's why he thought it would continue as such almost four months later. Unfortunately the poor man never took the time to figure out how amazingly fickle I can be about men. In that four months I had been dating and developed and then lost at least three different crushes. I have always been a little fickle when it comes to men... something about not wanting to be trapped.

So, this friend took me out for a lovely dinner, after eight nights spent on the couch and not in my bed. He also took the time to mention me as his friend in his Facebook status - something I took note of and thought was for the best. However, he continued to do such things as hold my hand and presume to try and make out with me. I must say I am rather confused on this point, but really my troubles with men this week have led me to believe that despite the dozens of men I've dated, I really know nothing about them after all.

Okay, that's not entirely true... I do know this friend decided that I should automatically be in love with him even though the past four months had shown a decreasing attachment via cell phone. Every phone conversation got shorter the longer this friend kept talking about himself and interrupting my brief responses with yet more of his endearing tales...

Even though this man is a wonderful man and he tried his best to impress me, the one thing he never did was actually ask me what I wanted. He simply moved forward with his plans and disregarded my thoughts on the whole situation.

And this is why some women sound like complete bitches. Men go to these extreme lengths to impress us but they never consider what is really, truly important. Fancy dinners mean nothing if you don't like the style of food. Flowers are useless if you're allergic to them. These things don't matter if the man hasn't taken the time to actually get to know you - to find out what is important to you.

For those men who have been "friend zoned," perhaps you need to review your methods. Are you doing these things for her or for yourself? You've been friend zoned for a reason... maybe if you take the time to figure out why, you'll have a better shot at getting out of that zone.

The Rules of My Game

If you've dated often enough you tend to develop some rules to live by - if you've dated too often you start to share those rules with the person you're dating because you no longer care what they really think.

You also tend to become blunt with those who think they're clever, when they aren't.

A man walks through a crowded parking garage having a stilted conversation with the woman walking next to him. He's visiting her for the week and he's trying to convince her that he's not as annoying as he seems. He leans over and says, "I'm going to leave something behind when I go back home so I have an excuse to come back."

In complete dead pan the woman replies, "Oh, you shouldn't do that. I throw things away when people leave them at my place."

The man then tries to explain where the concept comes from, even though the woman is just as knowledgeable of the Seinfeldian origins. The man finally gives up and says he was just joking.

The woman nods...

And thus you've all learned my first rule.
If you leave things behind without checking, I will tell you about the left behind article once... maybe even twice, if I'm feeling nice and then I willy simply throw it away. This seems bitchy, I know, however if I kept every little thing a man left behind I'd have boxes of old things from men. As it stands now I only have a few lingering gifts and perhaps just a few lingering feelings.

I actually think throwing things away can be very cathartic - it's the act of releasing something that you shouldn't be carrying with you. It's letting go of things you need to be rid of. (Yep, that's totally a metaphor for letting go of bitterness and unhappiness). *smile*

Those are the rules of my game and if you don't like it you can take your ball and go home.

Vodka and Confusion

During my wild days in the good ol' STL my wing woman and I would frequently raise our glasses with the toast, "Here's to the men we love and here's to the men that love us, but the men we love aren't the men who love us, so fuck the men, let's drink to us!"

Little did I know that three years later I would still be using that toast...

Despite the fact that I have a few options for men, I find that those options open to me aren't what I want. I don't want a man I find boring and I don't want a self absorbed man and I don't want a man who plays games and I definitely don't want a man who is old enough to be my father.

I'm picky, I know - we all should be picky though. We shouldn't settle for just any guy, we should all stop and take a minute to decide where we'll draw our lines. It doesn't mean these lines can't be bent or stretched at times, but there should at least be lines - to determine what you will and will not put up with. There should be lines to keep you from getting hurt and to keep you from wasting your time. Lines are there so you have some guidelines when you date and you know when you've found a keeper versus when you need to let it go.

So what do I want? Well, right now I want the man who intrigues me - the man who does sweet things for me, but is oddly distant. I want the man who one day wants to spend time with me and the next day buries himself into his work and is all business - but who still delivers beautiful, thoughtful work specifically for me. I want the man that I can talk to for hours, who is sometimes in his own little world, and who doesn't always know what's going on, but who is still intelligent. I want the man can't decide what kind of pet to get, so he has a variety. I don't know if this is THE man for me, but right now, at this point in my life, that is what interests me.

The problem? Yep... the men we love aren't the men who love us...

Sometimes this happens and while I know, we all know, this just means the man/time/place is not for us - it's not right and there is nothing to do but move on. And it is all so much easier to say than do.

So here's to making bad decisions and wanting what you can't have - here's to "fuck the men" and drinking to us!